Blog

Why You’re Attracting the Same Romantic Partner Over and Over… and How to Stop

Mia Sewell

December 2nd 2025

We’ve all heard this line from at least one of our friends, or thought it ourselves: “It’s like I keep dating the same person over and over again!” 

Dating has become more accessible since the rise of online dating apps in 2012. With more access come more questions, and the dating landscape isn’t the only one that has evolved; so too has the mental health landscape.

With the destigmatization of mental health care comes the rise of conversation amongst millennials and Gen Z’ers, and in that conversation we have continued to see the same question: “Why am I dating the same person in a different body and how can I stop?”

Why You’re Repeating the Same Relationship Pattern

I have heard this question come up in my office from clients of all ages and backgrounds. Even my young adult clients observe this pattern in themselves and are eager to understand the psychology behind it. 

It turns out that it isn’t a coincidence; there’s a reason you keep finding yourself with the same type of person, and the answer is based in a psychodynamic and attachment oriented approach to dating psychology. 

We date people who force us to reenact unhealed wounds from our childhood. 

Now, don’t panic. This might feel like a lot to take in, but understanding the reason behind a pattern empowers us to change it. 

If you’re out of the dating world and in a committed relationship, this might be helpful for you too. 

How Your Childhood Shapes Who You’re Attracted To

A romantic relationship provides the perfect environment for trauma reenactment. We are attracted to people who, on a totally subconscious level, remind us of our primary caregivers. 

This idea was introduced by Sigmund Freud over a hundred years ago.

Here are a couple of examples of how this works:

Example 1: When Avoidance Feels Familiar (Jane and John)

Jane, 25, has been dating John, 27, for 2 months. Jane is noticing that anytime she brings up something serious with John, he brushes it off. Then, he doesn’t reach out to make plans as much as usual in the coming days.

Jane is triggered by this pattern because as a child, when she stated her needs or talked about her emotions, her primary caregivers didn’t take them seriously or validate them. As a young child, Jane learned that her needs wouldn’t be considered by the people who loved her most.

Now she is seeking romantic partners who enact this same pattern. She continues to find avoidant partners to date, and she thinks the avoidance is a normal communication pattern because it’s what she experienced growing up. Nonetheless it triggers her, because it reminds her of how unseen she felt as a child. 

Example 2: When Caretaking Becomes a Relationship Pattern (Patrick)

Patrick, 30, was a parentified child, meaning that as a child he acted as an emotional caregiver to his parents; the parent/child roles were reversed. He continues to find himself dating people that use him as an emotional doormat.

Patrick’s partners “trauma dump” on him as soon as they get comfortable, and they stop asking him about his own feelings and experiences. Patrick learned growing up that when we love someone, we have to be there for them unconditionally, without boundaries, regardless of what impact it has on our own mental well-being.

Even though this pattern is exhausting for Patrick and he yearns for someone to consider his needs, he doesn’t know how to set boundaries in this dynamic and feels he has to be a caregiver to provide value in relationships. 

These are just two examples of the impact that our upbringing can have on the partners we select. The good news is, it’s not always a bad thing. If the person you are dating is willing to acknowledge their patterns as much as you’re willing to acknowledge yours, there can be room to work through them together and grow as a couple. If the patterns involve physical or emotional abuse, or someone is unwilling to recognize them, that isn’t the person for you.

How to Recognize Your Triggers and Begin Changing Your Dating Habits

Increasing your awareness of your triggers and learning to notice them when they come up is the first step in changing your dating habits.

Somatic awareness (what’s happening in your body) is one way to increase insight. Tap into the sensations in your body when you’re around a new partner or in conflict with them. Do you feel safe to express yourself? How do you feel after you’ve spent time with them? Do you feel drained, fatigued, and anxious? Or do you feel recharged, seen and heard? Our bodies give us all kinds of cues; being attuned to those cues can help guide us in times of uncertainty. 

Gaining awareness is the first step in changing any maladaptive pattern, dating related or not. Give yourself grace; negative self-talk like “I’m so stupid, why do I keep doing this?” or “at this rate, I’ll be alone forever” isn’t helpful. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to your best friend. 

If you’re already working with a therapist, ask them for help. Share patterns you observed when you were growing up and determine your “attachment style” if you don’t know it already. https://quiz.attachmentproject.com/ 

If you are ready to start exploring these patterns with a licensed professional, our counselors at Eternal Bloom are here for you. Our work is done through an attachment lens and we are passionate about helping people identify and work through their attachment wounds. 

Ready to Make a Change?

Ready to make a change and not sure where to start? Click here to schedule a free consultation with one of our counselors.